Here I Go Again...

 

I don't look like this anymore, to me this was normal, it is where I should be, but I am not. I've must have written this blog before in past websites that I no longer participate in, but it's a repeating theme in my life, I get out of shape, realize that I'm out of shape, get back into shape, then lose that healthy momentum and fall out of shape again. Urrrrrgggh! This has been the longest time I have gone without working out seriously, it must have been months, I can't remember the last time I've lifted weights or been on the treadmill.

And I'm starting to feel it. I don't feel right, I don't feel normal. I miss it, but something in me made excuses not to workout, call it laziness, call it being neglectful, call it being fat, but whatever you call it I'm sick of being it. I remember starting the year losing weight, up until April, then for whatever reason I feel off the healthy wagon.

It's gonna be hard to lose weight to, its that time of the year, cooler weather makes me want to eat more, kinda like a bear fattening up before winter hits. Halloween is around the corner and its gonna be hell to avoid eating candy, especially chocolate! Yummy! And November brings Thanksgiving and then December brings Christmas, wow for me to lose weight and get in shape during this time of year is going to be hard! But I can't wait anymore, I can't bullshit out anymore excuses for myself, I hate how I feel and it has a direct correlation with what I eat and my lack of exercise.

I remember when I quit smoking, I must have tired to quit about a dozen times and failed, then for what ever reason it finally stuck and made sense, and I never smoked again. Was there something special about my last attempt to quit smoking, then the dozen other previous times? No. The key was I never gave up trying to quit, and that's what I'm doing now, I'm not quitting on being as healthy as I can.

Here I go again.

Hugo's Tacos

 

Average. Really nothing special here. Where is the meat in there steak burritos? It's so dry due to the abundance of rice and beans and the lack of meat and cheese and they call it a steak burrito? The hard shelled steak tacos are a little better and by all means get it as spicy as you can.

When you find a good burrito place, you'll know after a couple of bites wither or not your going to revisit that place or not, I don't think I'll be back here. It's not a complete loss for Atwater, Atwater already has a really good burrito spot in Tacos Villa Corona , which is right across the street from this place.

3 Past Blogs I Wrote About My Tito Roy

1) MY TITO (UNCLE) ROY

**Originally written in Aug 2006**

MY TITO ROY WAS AFFLICTED WITH A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK THIS PAST WEEKEND, AND AS I WRITE THIS BLOG, HE IS CURRENTLY STILL IN CRITICAL CONDITION. I DONT WANT TO GET INTO MEDICAL TERMS, BUT HE HAS BEEN FACING AN UP HILL BATTLE SINCE THEN.

IN THE PAST THERE WAS A FALLOUT BETWEEN ME AND MY TITO ROY, NOT ONLY WITH HIM, BUT WITH MY TITA (HIS WIFE) AND THERE 2 DAUTHERS (MY COUSINS). IT WENT ON, NOT FOR MONTHS, BUT HAS REACHED OVER A YEAR, YEARS PLURAL, I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LONG ITS BEEN. IT WASN’T UNTIL THIS TRAGIC EVENT, THAT WE JUST RECENTLY COMMUNICATED, COMMUNICATING AND COMING TOGETHER WITH HUGS AND TEARS. I AM SORRY AND I AM SO REMORSEFUL FOR EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DONE.

I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALOT OF REGRET, SELF-ACCUSATION, WORRY AND GUILT, I’M FEELING IT ALL. I’M CRYING OVER AND KICKING MYSELF OVER HOW I HAVE BEEN. I HATE IT, I HATE HOW I FEEL! IT HURTS ALOT AND I FEEL SO HANCUFFED. WHY?! WHY WAS I SOO STUBBORN, SO FUCKING UNBENDING IN THE WAY I THOUGHT. I REGRET EVERYTHING, I WISH I COULD TURN THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK BACK, AND ACT DIFFERENTLY. PRIDE, STUPID PRIDE, IT GETS YOU NO WHERE, ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOU A STRANGER TO YOUR OWN FAMILY AND ROBS YOU OF PRECIOUS MOMENTS THAT YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK. PRIDE HAS DEPRIVED ME OF OF A TITO, A TITA, 2 COUSINS AND EVEN A NEW BORN NEPHEW. IT IS ONLY NOW THAT I AM REALIZING, THAT WE DONT HAVE FOREVER, AND TOMORROW ISN’T GUARANTEED, SO IF YOU HAVE A GRUDE WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN FAMILY AND IF YOUR READING THIS BLOG I URGE YOU, PLEASE LEARN FROM ME, AND LET IT GO, ACCEPT THEM, UNDERSTAND THEM, AND LOVE THEM.

IT WAS MY TITO ROY THAT WAS RESPONSABLE FOR ALOT OF FIRSTS IN MY LIFE, MY TITO ROY GAVE ME MY FIRST BEER, MY TITO ROY GAVE ME MY FIRST DRAG ON A CIGARETTE, IT WAS MY TITO ROY THAT SHOWED ME MY FIRST PORN MOVIE, DUDE!!!! COME ON HOW LUCKY WAS I!!! MY TITO..ROY..TOOK TO ME THE..SHOOTING RANGE SO I COULD FIRE A GUN FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT WAS HIS AK-47, NOW..THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!..WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO SPEND JUST ONE MORE CHRISTMAS WITH TITO ROY, DRINKING, TALKING, LAUGHING AND SHARING STORIES, STORIES ABOUT HIMSELF THAT I KNEW WERE FAR-FETCHED, BUT I DIDN’T CARE, I KNEW..HE ..WAS PASSING A LITTLE BIT OF HIMSELF IN EVERY STORY HE TOLD. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR TITO ROY TELL A DIRTY JOKE THAT ONLY HE COULD TELL. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR MY TITO ROY SINGING ON THE KARAOKE MACHINE. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR TITO ROY PHILOSOPHIZE ABOUT LIFE, LIFE THAT I KNOW HE IS SO FULL OF.

TITO ROY IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE UNCLE, AND EVEN WHEN WE WERE STARTING TO HAVE A FALLOUT, HE TOOK ME ASIDE AND HE TOLD ME HIMSELF, THAT “YOUR MY FAVORITE TO”.

WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE. . . .

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY TITO ROY’S RECOVERY AND FOR HIS FAMLY AND OUR CLAN



2) I Love You Tito Roy, Rest In Peace My Dearest Tito

**Originally written in Sept. 2006**

Me and my blonde hair days =] and Tito Roy =]
As you can see, Tito Roy had a way of making the whole family laugh

My Tito Roy passed away yesterday (Tuesday) in the early hours of Spet. 5th.
I can’t really describe how I feel right now, I just feel numb.
I haven’t cried this hard in my entire life.
I going to miss you so much Tito Roy.
Thank you Tito Roy for making such a deep impact on my life, your influence will be with me till the day I die.
I only wish that God had given you more time.
There was still so much I wanted to do with you.
There was even much more I wanted to say.
I love you Tito Roy.
Rest in peace my dearest Tito.

Please pray for my Tita Bini (his wife) and my cousins Len and Sharon.

3)Eulogies and The New Bingo

**Originally written in Sept 2006**

My Tito Roy was berried this past Saturday. My Tito wasn’t a rich man, at least not monetarily, but looking at the almost full church and the long lines of cars following the hertz, and the large amount of people who came out to pay there respects that day, that to me showed how rich my Tito Roy was. Being chosen to be a pallbearer for my Tito Roy was an honor, yet an honor that I wasn’t looking forward to. A lot of items were placed inside the coffin of my Tito Roy, a picture of his grandson Julian was placed in his pocket, a cigarette, dollar bills, letters from his daughters (my cousins) Len and Sharon. I printed out 2 of my MySpace blogs, “I Love You Tito Roy, Rest In Peace My Dearest Tito” and “MY TITO (UNCLE) ROY” and had them placed in his casket.

There were Eulogies given by my Tito Mac, my Tito Rico, My Cousin Len (Tito Roy’s Daughter), My Dad, My Cousin Joyce, and My Cousin Marylou. When they took there turns speaking, it battered my insides and the tears just gushed out of my eyes. In my Dad’s eulogy he got up and sang to my Tita Bini (Tito Roy’s Wife) he sang my Tito Roy’s favorite song, a song that he would alwayssing to my Tita Bini, it was Elvis singing the song, “The Wonder of You.” It was hard to see my father cry, he is like me, has a ruff exterior but can get really emotional. My cousin Len’s eulogy about her dad was straightout heartwrenching, my Cousin Len has alot of heart in her, she is brave, there is more brave in her then there is in me, as the native Americans would say, she has a warrior spirit. All the eulogies were powerful and all had different perspectives of what my Tito Roy ment to our family. But there was a line in one eulogy that spoke volumes to me, one that felt directed to me. It was from my cousin Joyce’s eulogy, here is part of what she said :

“My Tito Roy

Tito Roy is a wonderfully beautiful human being. Tito Roy was consistently making us laugh that our stomachs would ache and we would turn red in the face from laughter. We all remember that Tito Roy was a stand up comedian. We laughed even when the punch lines weren’t funny. You had to love him..Have you ever heard him tell a joke? His seriousness when telling a joke was enough to make us scream in laughter. For me, I remember how Tito Roy was always there for my family.

Tito Roy has always been the person who would show his concern and love for you in many different forms. Once, he even pretended to be my Papa’s bodyguard in an attempt to instill fear in the carpenters who already once ran off without finishing our kitchen cabinets. There, he stood with his sunglasses in a stance meant to intimidate. Needless to say, they finished the job. Of course, if you knew Tito Roy, he was more of a softy and kind at heart.

Forever and a day, Tito Roy has been by my family’s side. I remember the call I received from my mother the night my father was shot. My mom said not to worry but to call Tito Roy and to ask him to come meet them at the location as soon as possible. When I arrived at the scene, Tito Roy was already there by my Papa’s and Mommy’s side lending his support. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done for us.

Also, till this day, I remember the afternoon when Tito Roy and I stood outside of Tita Noly’s house. Tito Roy pulled me aside and started speaking to me in a very low voice, as if we were about to talk about something really serious. I listened and held back any tears that rested on my eyelids, as Tito Roy conversed with me. It started with him speaking about Len and how he felt that George was a good guy and that George promised to be there for Len and the baby soon to arrive. Then, he revealed to me about how he told Len that she should not separate herself from her cousins. As most of you know, the past couple of years have been difficult for us. Often, we would show up at family parties and not say a word to one other. Tito Roy said it shouldn’t be this way. Tito Roy told me that as he and the rest of our parents move on in age that we would only be left with each other, the cousins. He said they are all getting old and that we should imitate the closeness of family we experienced growing up and forget this nonsense. He expressed that his hope would be that we, cousins, would some day be able to be together again. Your wish, Tito Roy, is now revealing itself and you are not here to witness it. I think over and over about how you’re not going to enjoy this experience with us. I think about how you are not here to continue to watch us and give your advice when needed. You see, Tito Roy was always caring and looking out for his children and us, his nieces and nephews. Now, I hope and pray that you are enjoying yourself and that you watch us from wherever you are.

Love,
Joyce”

We are together again Tito Roy, and I know your watching down from heaven and seeing us together again. I hope I make you proud, I can’t go back to the past, all I have is now. All I can do is honor you Tito Roy and do my best being a good cousin to Len and Sharon, to being a good nephew to Tita Bini and being a good Uncle to Julian.

The New Bingo is here and all that I ask, is that my family to be patient with me, I’m still trying to figure out this New Bingo, this new me. My cousin Mike D. said to me, “It is what it is”. I’ve ran with that saying, kinda made that my new mantra. “It is, what it is” – life is what it is, not what its supposed to be. It makes reality not more pleasant, but more manageable. You can deal with issues, be more flexible and not let pride creep in, you can be more practical and have a healthy relationship, so whatever you want isn’t stuck in imagination, but put into practice by your actions. I don’t know if thats what my Cousin Mike D. was trying to get across but hey, “It is, what it is.” – thanks Mike D. for that.

See you on the other side Tito Roy.

Pitchess Detention Center

"Detention Center"? Let's call it what it is okay, jail, a prison. The word "Detention" reminds one of staying after school because you were late for a class or something. This is not a place you ever want to come, as a visitor and especially as an inmate.

I was here some weeks ago, visiting a friend who had never been in jail before, I could only imagine what he was going through. Sometimes in life we make decisions, out of anger, out of passion, call it what you will, a momentary loss of control can cost you your freedom, maybe your life, but enough with the philosophy on with the review.

I have never set foot in a prison either as an inmate or a visitor, and I must say the experience was very strange. The environment here reminded me of so many things, many times it felt like I was in a hospital, I also felt like I was in an airport, I felt like I was at the DMV, I felt like I was at the zoo, seriously combine all those things and that's what this place feels like.



TIPS :

- you need to come early, the processing, and the waiting all in all will take about 2 to 3 hours, visiting is only allowed on weekends and the max visiting ours you can spend is 2 hours, not a day, but the entire weekend. So you can understand why the processing of visitors takes so long.

- leave your cellphone in the car, you can stand in line, get to the end the guards will not let you in if you have a cellphone and no they will not hold your cellphone for you.

- bring water with you and a snack, waiting in line burns a lot of calories.

- you have to know the inmates processing number, you can't visit  just knowing his first and last name, that won't cut it,  you have to now the prisoners processing number.

After the processing you have to wait for a bus, once you board the bus it will take you to the actual building of the prison. You get off, your placed in a long hallway, and I mean long hallway that is hot, smelly, and  loud. You wait there until they call out the inmates name and then you just follow the crowd. They assign you telephones stations, where you sit behind brakeproof glass, yeah you see stuff like this in the movies and on TV, I'm telling you its really weird.

My friend is out, thank God! He spent just under 2 weeks in prison, still the stories he told about it, it's something I would never what to personally experience. For my friend who has never been to prison before, he's man enough to pay his debt to society and not blame anyone else for his actions, he's taken full responsibility for what he did and did his time like a man. Prison to me is like being berried alive, the lesson I've learned from my friend and his situation, you better think before you act.

Militant Technology Followers

I love technology, I mean who doesn't? Especially the gadgets, they are like toys for adults. The latest in what's new with cellphones, computers, home entertainment, social networking, blogging, interesting websites, you name it I have a vested interest in what's hip and new. I'm not a geek, I guess I'm a geek sympathizer, I find computers and technology interesting, I mean how can you not? We are literally surrounded by it. But I've noticed that whenever the subject matter of Apple or Microsoft or even Google is brought up, there seems to be a cult following, almost militant following toward brand names.

 

     

Take for example Apple, from what I hear the city of San Francisco is pretty much the mecca of the Apple community. I don't think there is a computer in San Francisco that is made by Microsoft and if you do happen to walk into a coffee shop in San Francisco with your PC laptop, your looked at like as if there is something wrong with you. The stereotypes even follow there perceptive figure heads, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Steve Jobs is looked at as an innovator, a leader, someone that we should try and be like, Bill Gates on the other hand is looked at as cooperate, money hungry, as being part of,  "the system", the Willie Loman from Death of a Salesman.

I see it as a battle to rule the world actually, and if you think Microsoft and Apple are the only big players, think again, Google it seems also wants its share of taking over the world. It's not just a search engine, here is a list of Google Products---->GOOGLE  heck this blog is a Google Product! As a consumer, I really don't care, there are positives with all these companies and as most consumers, I'm really encouraged by the competition that these technology businesses have with one another, competition can only benefit us, the public. In any event, I look forward to being ruled by our geek overlords.