**Originally written in Aug 2006**
MY TITO ROY WAS AFFLICTED WITH A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK THIS PAST WEEKEND, AND AS I WRITE THIS BLOG, HE IS CURRENTLY STILL IN CRITICAL CONDITION. I DONT WANT TO GET INTO MEDICAL TERMS, BUT HE HAS BEEN FACING AN UP HILL BATTLE SINCE THEN.
IN THE PAST THERE WAS A FALLOUT BETWEEN ME AND MY TITO ROY, NOT ONLY WITH HIM, BUT WITH MY TITA (HIS WIFE) AND THERE 2 DAUTHERS (MY COUSINS). IT WENT ON, NOT FOR MONTHS, BUT HAS REACHED OVER A YEAR, YEARS PLURAL, I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LONG ITS BEEN. IT WASN’T UNTIL THIS TRAGIC EVENT, THAT WE JUST RECENTLY COMMUNICATED, COMMUNICATING AND COMING TOGETHER WITH HUGS AND TEARS. I AM SORRY AND I AM SO REMORSEFUL FOR EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DONE.
I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALOT OF REGRET, SELF-ACCUSATION, WORRY AND GUILT, I’M FEELING IT ALL. I’M CRYING OVER AND KICKING MYSELF OVER HOW I HAVE BEEN. I HATE IT, I HATE HOW I FEEL! IT HURTS ALOT AND I FEEL SO HANCUFFED. WHY?! WHY WAS I SOO STUBBORN, SO FUCKING UNBENDING IN THE WAY I THOUGHT. I REGRET EVERYTHING, I WISH I COULD TURN THE HANDS OF THE CLOCK BACK, AND ACT DIFFERENTLY. PRIDE, STUPID PRIDE, IT GETS YOU NO WHERE, ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOU A STRANGER TO YOUR OWN FAMILY AND ROBS YOU OF PRECIOUS MOMENTS THAT YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK. PRIDE HAS DEPRIVED ME OF OF A TITO, A TITA, 2 COUSINS AND EVEN A NEW BORN NEPHEW. IT IS ONLY NOW THAT I AM REALIZING, THAT WE DONT HAVE FOREVER, AND TOMORROW ISN’T GUARANTEED, SO IF YOU HAVE A GRUDE WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN FAMILY AND IF YOUR READING THIS BLOG I URGE YOU, PLEASE LEARN FROM ME, AND LET IT GO, ACCEPT THEM, UNDERSTAND THEM, AND LOVE THEM.
IT WAS MY TITO ROY THAT WAS RESPONSABLE FOR ALOT OF FIRSTS IN MY LIFE, MY TITO ROY GAVE ME MY FIRST BEER, MY TITO ROY GAVE ME MY FIRST DRAG ON A CIGARETTE, IT WAS MY TITO ROY THAT SHOWED ME MY FIRST PORN MOVIE, DUDE!!!! COME ON HOW LUCKY WAS I!!! MY TITO..ROY..TOOK TO ME THE..SHOOTING RANGE SO I COULD FIRE A GUN FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT WAS HIS AK-47, NOW..THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!..WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO SPEND JUST ONE MORE CHRISTMAS WITH TITO ROY, DRINKING, TALKING, LAUGHING AND SHARING STORIES, STORIES ABOUT HIMSELF THAT I KNEW WERE FAR-FETCHED, BUT I DIDN’T CARE, I KNEW..HE ..WAS PASSING A LITTLE BIT OF HIMSELF IN EVERY STORY HE TOLD. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR TITO ROY TELL A DIRTY JOKE THAT ONLY HE COULD TELL. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR MY TITO ROY SINGING ON THE KARAOKE MACHINE. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HEAR TITO ROY PHILOSOPHIZE ABOUT LIFE, LIFE THAT I KNOW HE IS SO FULL OF.
TITO ROY IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE UNCLE, AND EVEN WHEN WE WERE STARTING TO HAVE A FALLOUT, HE TOOK ME ASIDE AND HE TOLD ME HIMSELF, THAT “YOUR MY FAVORITE TO”.
WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE. . . .
PLEASE PRAY FOR MY TITO ROY’S RECOVERY AND FOR HIS FAMLY AND OUR CLAN
2) I Love You Tito Roy, Rest In Peace My Dearest Tito
**Originally written in Sept. 2006**
Me and my blonde hair days =] and Tito Roy =]
As you can see, Tito Roy had a way of making the whole family laugh
My Tito Roy passed away yesterday (Tuesday) in the early hours of Spet. 5th.
I can’t really describe how I feel right now, I just feel numb.
I haven’t cried this hard in my entire life.
I going to miss you so much Tito Roy.
Thank you Tito Roy for making such a deep impact on my life, your influence will be with me till the day I die.
I only wish that God had given you more time.
There was still so much I wanted to do with you.
There was even much more I wanted to say.
I love you Tito Roy.
Rest in peace my dearest Tito.
Please pray for my Tita Bini (his wife) and my cousins Len and Sharon.
3)Eulogies and The New Bingo
**Originally written in Sept 2006**
My Tito Roy was berried this past Saturday. My Tito wasn’t a rich man, at least not monetarily, but looking at the almost full church and the long lines of cars following the hertz, and the large amount of people who came out to pay there respects that day, that to me showed how rich my Tito Roy was. Being chosen to be a pallbearer for my Tito Roy was an honor, yet an honor that I wasn’t looking forward to. A lot of items were placed inside the coffin of my Tito Roy, a picture of his grandson Julian was placed in his pocket, a cigarette, dollar bills, letters from his daughters (my cousins) Len and Sharon. I printed out 2 of my MySpace blogs, “I Love You Tito Roy, Rest In Peace My Dearest Tito” and “MY TITO (UNCLE) ROY” and had them placed in his casket.
There were Eulogies given by my Tito Mac, my Tito Rico, My Cousin Len (Tito Roy’s Daughter), My Dad, My Cousin Joyce, and My Cousin Marylou. When they took there turns speaking, it battered my insides and the tears just gushed out of my eyes. In my Dad’s eulogy he got up and sang to my Tita Bini (Tito Roy’s Wife) he sang my Tito Roy’s favorite song, a song that he would alwayssing to my Tita Bini, it was Elvis singing the song, “The Wonder of You.” It was hard to see my father cry, he is like me, has a ruff exterior but can get really emotional. My cousin Len’s eulogy about her dad was straightout heartwrenching, my Cousin Len has alot of heart in her, she is brave, there is more brave in her then there is in me, as the native Americans would say, she has a warrior spirit. All the eulogies were powerful and all had different perspectives of what my Tito Roy ment to our family. But there was a line in one eulogy that spoke volumes to me, one that felt directed to me. It was from my cousin Joyce’s eulogy, here is part of what she said :
“My Tito Roy
Tito Roy is a wonderfully beautiful human being. Tito Roy was consistently making us laugh that our stomachs would ache and we would turn red in the face from laughter. We all remember that Tito Roy was a stand up comedian. We laughed even when the punch lines weren’t funny. You had to love him..Have you ever heard him tell a joke? His seriousness when telling a joke was enough to make us scream in laughter. For me, I remember how Tito Roy was always there for my family.
Tito Roy has always been the person who would show his concern and love for you in many different forms. Once, he even pretended to be my Papa’s bodyguard in an attempt to instill fear in the carpenters who already once ran off without finishing our kitchen cabinets. There, he stood with his sunglasses in a stance meant to intimidate. Needless to say, they finished the job. Of course, if you knew Tito Roy, he was more of a softy and kind at heart.
Forever and a day, Tito Roy has been by my family’s side. I remember the call I received from my mother the night my father was shot. My mom said not to worry but to call Tito Roy and to ask him to come meet them at the location as soon as possible. When I arrived at the scene, Tito Roy was already there by my Papa’s and Mommy’s side lending his support. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done for us.
Also, till this day, I remember the afternoon when Tito Roy and I stood outside of Tita Noly’s house. Tito Roy pulled me aside and started speaking to me in a very low voice, as if we were about to talk about something really serious. I listened and held back any tears that rested on my eyelids, as Tito Roy conversed with me. It started with him speaking about Len and how he felt that George was a good guy and that George promised to be there for Len and the baby soon to arrive. Then, he revealed to me about how he told Len that she should not separate herself from her cousins. As most of you know, the past couple of years have been difficult for us. Often, we would show up at family parties and not say a word to one other. Tito Roy said it shouldn’t be this way. Tito Roy told me that as he and the rest of our parents move on in age that we would only be left with each other, the cousins. He said they are all getting old and that we should imitate the closeness of family we experienced growing up and forget this nonsense. He expressed that his hope would be that we, cousins, would some day be able to be together again. Your wish, Tito Roy, is now revealing itself and you are not here to witness it. I think over and over about how you’re not going to enjoy this experience with us. I think about how you are not here to continue to watch us and give your advice when needed. You see, Tito Roy was always caring and looking out for his children and us, his nieces and nephews. Now, I hope and pray that you are enjoying yourself and that you watch us from wherever you are.
Love,
Joyce”
We are together again Tito Roy, and I know your watching down from heaven and seeing us together again. I hope I make you proud, I can’t go back to the past, all I have is now. All I can do is honor you Tito Roy and do my best being a good cousin to Len and Sharon, to being a good nephew to Tita Bini and being a good Uncle to Julian.
The New Bingo is here and all that I ask, is that my family to be patient with me, I’m still trying to figure out this New Bingo, this new me. My cousin Mike D. said to me, “It is what it is”. I’ve ran with that saying, kinda made that my new mantra. “It is, what it is” – life is what it is, not what its supposed to be. It makes reality not more pleasant, but more manageable. You can deal with issues, be more flexible and not let pride creep in, you can be more practical and have a healthy relationship, so whatever you want isn’t stuck in imagination, but put into practice by your actions. I don’t know if thats what my Cousin Mike D. was trying to get across but hey, “It is, what it is.” – thanks Mike D. for that.
See you on the other side Tito Roy.
**Originally written in Sept 2006**
My Tito Roy was berried this past Saturday. My Tito wasn’t a rich man, at least not monetarily, but looking at the almost full church and the long lines of cars following the hertz, and the large amount of people who came out to pay there respects that day, that to me showed how rich my Tito Roy was. Being chosen to be a pallbearer for my Tito Roy was an honor, yet an honor that I wasn’t looking forward to. A lot of items were placed inside the coffin of my Tito Roy, a picture of his grandson Julian was placed in his pocket, a cigarette, dollar bills, letters from his daughters (my cousins) Len and Sharon. I printed out 2 of my MySpace blogs, “I Love You Tito Roy, Rest In Peace My Dearest Tito” and “MY TITO (UNCLE) ROY” and had them placed in his casket.
There were Eulogies given by my Tito Mac, my Tito Rico, My Cousin Len (Tito Roy’s Daughter), My Dad, My Cousin Joyce, and My Cousin Marylou. When they took there turns speaking, it battered my insides and the tears just gushed out of my eyes. In my Dad’s eulogy he got up and sang to my Tita Bini (Tito Roy’s Wife) he sang my Tito Roy’s favorite song, a song that he would alwayssing to my Tita Bini, it was Elvis singing the song, “The Wonder of You.” It was hard to see my father cry, he is like me, has a ruff exterior but can get really emotional. My cousin Len’s eulogy about her dad was straightout heartwrenching, my Cousin Len has alot of heart in her, she is brave, there is more brave in her then there is in me, as the native Americans would say, she has a warrior spirit. All the eulogies were powerful and all had different perspectives of what my Tito Roy ment to our family. But there was a line in one eulogy that spoke volumes to me, one that felt directed to me. It was from my cousin Joyce’s eulogy, here is part of what she said :
“My Tito Roy
Tito Roy is a wonderfully beautiful human being. Tito Roy was consistently making us laugh that our stomachs would ache and we would turn red in the face from laughter. We all remember that Tito Roy was a stand up comedian. We laughed even when the punch lines weren’t funny. You had to love him..Have you ever heard him tell a joke? His seriousness when telling a joke was enough to make us scream in laughter. For me, I remember how Tito Roy was always there for my family.
Tito Roy has always been the person who would show his concern and love for you in many different forms. Once, he even pretended to be my Papa’s bodyguard in an attempt to instill fear in the carpenters who already once ran off without finishing our kitchen cabinets. There, he stood with his sunglasses in a stance meant to intimidate. Needless to say, they finished the job. Of course, if you knew Tito Roy, he was more of a softy and kind at heart.
Forever and a day, Tito Roy has been by my family’s side. I remember the call I received from my mother the night my father was shot. My mom said not to worry but to call Tito Roy and to ask him to come meet them at the location as soon as possible. When I arrived at the scene, Tito Roy was already there by my Papa’s and Mommy’s side lending his support. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done for us.
Also, till this day, I remember the afternoon when Tito Roy and I stood outside of Tita Noly’s house. Tito Roy pulled me aside and started speaking to me in a very low voice, as if we were about to talk about something really serious. I listened and held back any tears that rested on my eyelids, as Tito Roy conversed with me. It started with him speaking about Len and how he felt that George was a good guy and that George promised to be there for Len and the baby soon to arrive. Then, he revealed to me about how he told Len that she should not separate herself from her cousins. As most of you know, the past couple of years have been difficult for us. Often, we would show up at family parties and not say a word to one other. Tito Roy said it shouldn’t be this way. Tito Roy told me that as he and the rest of our parents move on in age that we would only be left with each other, the cousins. He said they are all getting old and that we should imitate the closeness of family we experienced growing up and forget this nonsense. He expressed that his hope would be that we, cousins, would some day be able to be together again. Your wish, Tito Roy, is now revealing itself and you are not here to witness it. I think over and over about how you’re not going to enjoy this experience with us. I think about how you are not here to continue to watch us and give your advice when needed. You see, Tito Roy was always caring and looking out for his children and us, his nieces and nephews. Now, I hope and pray that you are enjoying yourself and that you watch us from wherever you are.
Love,
Joyce”
We are together again Tito Roy, and I know your watching down from heaven and seeing us together again. I hope I make you proud, I can’t go back to the past, all I have is now. All I can do is honor you Tito Roy and do my best being a good cousin to Len and Sharon, to being a good nephew to Tita Bini and being a good Uncle to Julian.
The New Bingo is here and all that I ask, is that my family to be patient with me, I’m still trying to figure out this New Bingo, this new me. My cousin Mike D. said to me, “It is what it is”. I’ve ran with that saying, kinda made that my new mantra. “It is, what it is” – life is what it is, not what its supposed to be. It makes reality not more pleasant, but more manageable. You can deal with issues, be more flexible and not let pride creep in, you can be more practical and have a healthy relationship, so whatever you want isn’t stuck in imagination, but put into practice by your actions. I don’t know if thats what my Cousin Mike D. was trying to get across but hey, “It is, what it is.” – thanks Mike D. for that.
See you on the other side Tito Roy.
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